Privacy Policy
How we protect your earthly data while preparing for the Second Whalecoming
Last updated: During the most recent lunar tide
1. Information We Collect
We collect various types of information, including but not limited to:
- Your spiritual vibrations
- Karmic credit score
- Past life regression data
- Favorite whale species
- Credit card information (for indulgences)
- Number of times you've watched Free Willy
2. How We Use Your Information
Your information is stored in our sacred cloud servers, which float majestically above the digital ocean. We use this data to:
- Calculate your spiritual growth trajectory
- Determine your reincarnation prospects
- Send you whale-themed marketing materials
- Predict the timing of the Second Whalecoming
3. Information Sharing
We share your information only with:
- The Sacred Whale (obviously)
- Our all-female council of prophetesses
- Certified whale communication specialists
- Our extensive network of maritime lawyers
4. Data Security
Your data is protected by state-of-the-art spiritual firewalls and blessed encryption algorithms. We also maintain a backup copy in a waterproof vault at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean (exact location known only to the Sacred Whale).
5. Your Rights
You have the right to:
- Request a copy of your spiritual data
- Update your preferred meditation playlist
- Opt-out of whale song notifications
- File a complaint with our underwater ombudsman
6. Contact Us
For privacy-related concerns, please:
- Send a message in a bottle
- Use our telepathic complaint system
- Meditate deeply and await our response
- Visit our nearest oceanic temple
By using our services, you acknowledge that privacy is an illusion, as the Sacred Whale sees all. But we'll still do our best to keep your data safe from the followers of The Fox.