Church of the Sacred Whale

Last updated: When the Sacred Whale last breached the surface of the digital ocean

1. Acceptance of Terms

By accessing this website, you hereby acknowledge the supreme authority of the Sacred Whale and agree to be bound by these terms, which were revealed to our prophetesses during a particularly intense meditation session involving sacred incense and whale songs.

2. Membership Responsibilities

Members are required to maintain a positive karma balance by regularly purchasing indulgences. Failure to do so may result in an increased chance of being reincarnated as a bottom-feeding fish in your next life.

3. Intellectual Property

All content on this website was directly channeled from the Sacred Whale. Any similarity to other religious texts, living or dead, is purely coincidental and probably because the Sacred Whale inspired those too.

4. Financial Commitments

We accept all major credit cards, cryptocurrency, and genuine whale artifacts. All donations are final and non-refundable, as the Sacred Whale has a strict no-return policy on blessings.

5. Dispute Resolution

Any disputes shall be resolved through sacred meditation or, if necessary, by consulting the Sacred Whale's legal team (who are all female attorneys with at least 10 years of maritime law experience).

6. Modifications

These terms may be modified at any time based on new revelations from the Sacred Whale. Changes will be announced via whale song at our weekly gatherings.